i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
