I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
