he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
