I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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