I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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