So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
