Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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