i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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