Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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