If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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