You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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