2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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