If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
