So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
