If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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