I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
