i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
