that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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