dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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