You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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