i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
