So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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