No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
