yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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