You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
