I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
