You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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