Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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