I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
