I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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