Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize