i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
