i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
