I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
