Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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