Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
