The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just had sex bonerless
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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