I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
