im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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