Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
