I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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