She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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