new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
