I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
