If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
