Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around

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(573): View more from Missouri

how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

tonight lets celebrate not being married

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sprained his penis one time

(603): View more from New Hampshire

He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

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(319): View more from Iowa

Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning

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