it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
