there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
