1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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