lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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