My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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