I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
