I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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