i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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