Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize