Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
