I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
