She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
