Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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