Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
