we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
