I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
