did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
