so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
