I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize