If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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