I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
