I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
