R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
