I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
