i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i believe in u and ur pee
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
