The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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